The funnies on life

The funnies on life


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God, and I didn’t.

Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: Before
marriage and after marriage.

Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they
arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house
and car

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without
hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God. Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years
mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord
replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy What do you think I
should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it.” The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man
then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what
should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see
what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?” The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, “Take the poison.”


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